Grief and my experience of it - Loosing my heart dog.

The oxford dictionary definition of Grief – intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death.

Dictionary.com - Grief - Definition and meaning - Grief is mental or emotional suffering or distress caused by loss or regret.

Grief and grieving is an extremely personal journey. It can depend on circumstances, experiences in life and how you deal with the emotions and the pain of losing that someone special. Grief can also come in from the loss of a job, a friendship ending and many other reasons.

Grief can make you feel like you have been shattered into a million pieces and will never be the same again. It can make you stop wanting to live, can make it impossible to find the joy in life you once had, and it can also turn your world upside down and spin it around until you don’t know which way is up anymore. There are so many different aspects to grief, you never know how it will come at you. You may experience shock, anger, denial, guilt, depression and so many other emotions. Family and friends will often comfort you and help support you especially through the loss of a family member or the loss of a friend or job or even home.

But what about the loss of your companion, your friend, your fur baby, your cat, your dog, your horse, etc. The love of your life who was always there for you and was a constant companion who gave you unconditional love and acceptance at all times. Not everyone can understand the bonds we had with our pets.

The connection we have with our pets can be incredibly close and loving so when the time comes and they are no longer with us it hurts so much, the hole they leave behind is enormous, with pain feeling like it will never end. Often there is the added extra load of guilt, especially if your pet needed help to pass over from euthanasia. Did you do the right thing? Did they know? Do they know how much I loved them? Where are they now? Are they out of pain? Did they know I didn’t want to do it?

These intense emotions can be overwhelming and seem like they are bigger than Ben Hur! It is very common to be told it was just an animal get over it, get on with it, or just get another one. Losing an animal friend can be as traumatic and devastating as losing a family member. (Our pets are our family members!)

How my world turned upside down with grief and loss.

In 2017 I lost both my dad and my heart dog within a month of each other. I had been expecting the loss of my dad due to a stroke he had 5 years before and the steady decline I had been watching for a few years. I sat with him as he took his last breath and in the chaos of hospice death I found beauty and peace that I never thought possible until I experienced it. After my dad passed I thought I was coping pretty well with his loss. Then a month and a day later I tragically lost my Mini girl and the devastation and grief hit me like a freight train.

Mini was a 7-year-old Rottweiler who was the absolute light of my life. The soul connection between us was incredibly intense from the first moment our eyes met when she was a very little 6-week-old pup. Mini got her name from the people who hand fed her and due to her incredibly small size. She was very cute and the biggest clown I had ever met. Mini didn’t stay mini for long. Mini had many ups and downs in life but her one constant was me and she was mine. I had other dogs I had been very close with throughout my life, but they were not the same as what I had with Mini. I had never experienced a bond like the one I had with her.

A few months before she passed I had Mini in and out of vets knowing there was something wrong with her but not one of them were able to diagnose her with anything other than arthritis. I woke up one morning a few days after having her at the vets again for x rays to find Mini collapsing, her front legs buckling at every step. Seeing her like that was horrendous. After rushing her to the vet to be told she had spinal cancer and there really was no hope for her unless I wanted to spend thousands of dollars to operate without any guarantee they could save her.

I was on my own with her and had to make that decision on the spot. I crumpled. I couldn’t handle it, but it had to done because she was suffering so much. I remember trying to hold myself together while they gave her the injection. I was sitting with her and just sobbing my heart out. The hurt I was feeling was beyond anything I had ever felt before. I knew in that moment as she took her last breath that I was never going to be the same again.

As I walked out the door of the vet surgery without her I completely shattered into a million pieces. I had to drive over an hour to get home and I have no idea how I even got home. I could not stop the tears and the shock of what I just had to do.

Those first few days were a blur. I couldn’t work, eat or function at all. When my dad passed over I kept working and life continued as normal but not so for the dog. She tipped me over that edge that I didn’t even know I was standing on. Life was incredibly hard. I got angry and emotional and then the guilt hit me. Why didn’t I try harder to save her? The replaying of each second over and over again in my mind about what happened and what I should have done instead of what I did do.

How did I navigate and process my loss and the grief I was feeling?

To tell you the truth I really have no idea how I got through that time. I know I went through the stage of saying that’s it, I am never loving another dog again. I can’t do that to myself. The vacuum I felt I was in was huge. The hurt and the anger fuelled the negative thoughts, and it went round and round for a really long time.

I had another Rottweiler at home who was grieving as well. She was Mini’s mate but was younger by 4 years. Milo was grieving just as hard as I was, and I knew it, but wasn’t sure how to help her. So that started me on a path where I started to read and connect with animal communicators to see if I could find out if Mini was really okay on the other side and also to help Milo on this side. Reading and searching for information about reincarnation and animal communication were all ways I found to help myself understand the process of death. I help me answer questions that were coming up.

I reached out to people who were kind and compassionate and who understood my loss. They were able to let me talk through my grief. These people were an absolute god send for me. They gave me a healthy outlet where I could express my feelings in a safe way. They were able to give me different perspectives on what I was feeling and how I was dealing with the grief. I also had people who were not understanding of the process I was going through and often got told to just get over it.

I let my son get another Rottweiler puppy in the hopes that the new puppy would help Milo through her grief. Monty entered our lives and was the most adorable puppy, but I was so broken in my grief that I vowed I wouldn’t get attached like I normally did. I would teach my son how to care for him, but I would have nothing to do with him, I would not open my heart to him and let him in. (Fortunately, Monty had very different ideas and now 4 years later my son has left home, and Monty is firmly entrenched in my heart as my boy).

Over time I started to find I could laugh more and as this happened I healed a little more. I got help through Kinesiology and talking to people about how I was feeling. Mini’s passing changed the trajectory of my life. I began looking at alternatives to heal and then I discovered that I wanted to be the person that could help others heal. To help animals if I could.

So now looking back over the last 5 years I can see the growth and the change and gift that Mini, and my dad’s death and the grief gave me. Without those experiences of grief and loss I would not be who I am today. I would not be working with animals and people in the way I am. I would not have met the group of friends I have now who are a major part of my new life. It is almost as though there was life before Mini’s death and then life after Mini’s death.

One thing I have learnt from this experience is that grief is a process that needs to run its course. It is not something you ever get over, but it is something that you get through. There is no timeline to tell you how long it will take before you start to feel better again. There is no right or wrong way to feel or to express what you are feeling, there is only your way. The only advice I can offer is to be gentle on yourself and to understand over time the intensity of the grief will change and morph. You will begin to remember happier times; you will slowly start to smile more and find things in life that lift you up again.

I would like to reach out and tell you it is an incredibly hard thing to walk through and navigate when you lose an animal companion who you rely on so much. If you can just suspend the grief for a second you will understand there is a light for you to come from this experience. You won’t see it or feel it straight away, but it will come. There is such a gift that our beloved fur babies leave us with, but it takes time to unwrap that gift. Our animals come into our lives for so many different reasons but most of all they are on a soul journey just like we are. They are here to help us to heal and to guide us on our journey through life.

As a Kinesiologist who works with animals on a soul level I am able to connect to animals who have passed over. They understand our hurt  and loss but they want us to open our hearts and to let go of our guilt. They are walking beside us even though we no longer see them in the physical world they are guiding us and loving us from the other side.

Things I did to help my grief process

·         Talk to a person or friend who understands – reach out to friends or family who can help you talk through your feelings and emotions.

·         Journal writing – journal writing is an excellent way to express what you are feeling if you feel you can’t talk about your emotions. Sometimes you can write a letter and burn it to let go of negative emotions.

·         Cry/scream/rage – it is very necessary to be able to release large emotions. One of the best ways to do this is to cry or scream into a pillow. Do this in a safe space allows the emotions to move through you instead of getting stuck and causing physical issues for you later down the track.

·         Create a memorial for your pet – create a photo album or picture frame. Plant a tree or a garden. Create a little burial area with a plaque for your pet in the garden. Honour their memory in a way that fits the best for you.

·         Care for other animals in the house – often you will have another animal still living, make sure you are aware of their needs as well. Find the structure you need in caring for them.

·         Reach out to a professional – this can be someone who can help you deal with your grief like a Kinesiologist or a Councillor or even an animal communicator who may help ease your mind.

I did all of the things listed above in different orders and at different times. Throughout this time and doing the work I am now; I have learnt that our animals are not afraid to die. Many of our pets stay around after they pass over to try to comfort us like they did when they were alive, some will leave messages for you in the way of feathers or patterns or even feeling them jump on the bed or lick your face. You may see a sign that reminds you of them, possibly a paw print of the exact size and shape of your pet. There are many different signs and ways they can come to you. The challenge is to be open and aware of what you are seeing or feeling.

So, if you have gotten to the end of this blog. Know your animal is close by. They will be looking for ways to tell you they are ok. Just open your senses and your heart and feel. They are there. Mini walked beside me for three weeks after she passed over. I thought I was going crazy, but she was laughing because she was leading me on a new path. I have many stories of the things she did after she passed over that would sometimes scare the crap out of me but now make me laugh even harder. A clown in life and definitely a clown in life after her death.

They are with us always.